On being bipolar and going back to college

Or; Fell behind all my classmates, and I ended up here.

A photo of the University College Cork quad taken on a bright and sunny autumn day.

If you are reading this, I have successfully made it through my first year back at college without losing my mind. That’s not hyperbole. I have dropped out of college twice due to mental health issues that were diagnosed as depression the first time and anxiety the second time. That second time was the beginning of the mental health crisis that led to my being diagnosed with bipolar in 2016. The psychiatrist who diagnosed me considered academic stress to have been the trigger for the mixed affective state he was now treating me for. I wasn’t depressed and anxious. I was depressed and hypomanic. It took some trial and error, but I found a combination of medications that worked for me, and I have been stable for years. Still, returning to college terrified me because what if I wasn’t stable enough?

The opening paragraph of this newsletter has been sitting in my drafts folder for months. I wrote it the day after my final exam in May, but I couldn’t bring myself to keep writing because what if my mental health crashed now that my exams were over? This wasn’t the first time I’d had thoughts like this. When I made it through the first month, I wondered when this would become too much for me to handle. While studying for my first semester exams, I was sure the stress meant I was going mad again. I wasn’t. I am simply one of many people who find exams stressful.

I didn’t just survive my first year. I thrived. Yet, the entire time, my inner monologue focused on how things could fall apart at any minute. If that sounds exhausting, it is. The last time I wrote something other than an academic essay was in December because, if I have a finite amount of attention, I should focus solely on academia, which wasn’t a sustainable approach. While I was thriving in college, I was contracting in other ways because it’s better to voluntarily stop writing than be unable to once I’ve gone mad again. The Notes app on my phone is full of snippets and ideas for essays and longer-form book reviews — I share shorter reviews on Instagram — but I needed to write about why I hadn’t been writing first. 

In the year after my dad’s death, I worried that grief would trigger a bipolar episode. It didn’t. But knowing that I’ve dealt with an overly cautious and worried inner monologue before makes it easier to accept. I’ve been reading more fiction with bipolar characters. Two novels that resonated with me are My Hot Friend by Sophie White and Never Been Better by Leanne Toshiko Simpson. Both authors are open about their bipolar diagnoses. What I found comforting about these novels is that each of the bipolar characters had their own inner monologue, which, at different times and to varying degrees, questioned whether they were keeping on top of their recovery even as they were doing things that are central to their recovery, like taking their medication on time. 

When I wrote in 2022 about spending the pandemic lockdowns reckoning with how who the person I was while actively mentally ill impacts the person I am today, I didn’t expect to be still uncovering those aspects of myself. Presumptuous, I know, but I thought I finally understood how bipolar affects me. Going back to college shows that I’m still figuring it out. I probably always will. But that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t do the thing anyway. If and when I do experience another bipolar episode, I will figure that out, too.

I haven’t shared one of these round-ups in ages, so here are a few articles and essays from the last few months I have enjoyed. I also spent the beginning of my summer rewatching ER. The last few weeks were spent, like many people, watching as many Olympic sports as possible.

I was more free [Who knows?︱Substack] — I love everything about Rachel Connolly’s newsletter on gender. My understanding and expression of what being a woman is has changed for the better thanks to trans, non-binary, and gender non-conforming people.

Nothing Is Gayer Than My Love for Women’s Basketball [Autostraddle] — Melissa Febos writes about queerness, desire, addiction, and women’s basketball.

3 Trans Athletes on Why Being Excluded From Women’s Sports Is So Devastating [Self] — Frankie de la Cretaz interviews three trans women who have been banned from competing in their respective sports, Natalie Ryan, Disc Golf; CeCé Telfer, Track and Field; Chelsea Wolfe, BMX.

How false narratives used to control women’s bodily autonomy are now being used against trans people [Image Magazine] — Roe McDermott on how the anti-abortion and transphobic movements overlap.

For 33 Years, I Thought Something Was Wrong With Me. Then I Faced The 1 Possibility I Hadn't Considered. [Huffington Post] — Clare Egan writes beautifully about coming out as gay in her 30s. Clare has also written a great behind the scenes of writing and pitching this essay in her newsletter

Beyond Survival with Clare Egan

, you can read it here.